Pfizer Unveils New ‘Adderall-In-A-Vape’ For Kids Who Can’t Sit Still In Class

In a groundbreaking move to address the fidgeting epidemic plaguing classrooms nationwide, pharmaceutical giant Pfizer has announced the launch of its latest product: the Adderall-In-A-Vape, a candy-flavored e-cigarette designed specifically for kids with ADHD who can’t sit still during long division lessons.

“We saw a real need in the market,” said Pfizer spokesperson Dr. Penny Puffington at a press conference held in a bounce house to keep the audience engaged. “Kids with ADHD are already drawn to vaping because it’s trendy and helps them focus by channeling their excess energy. So we thought, why not combine that with the power of Adderall? It’s a win-win—kids get their medicine, and teachers get a break from playing whack-a-mole with Johnny’s desk-tapping antics.”

The Adderall-In-A-Vape, which comes in flavors like Bubblegum Blast and Cotton Candy Chaos, delivers a precise dose of amphetamine salts with every puff, promising to help kids focus while they blow impressive vapor rings during silent reading time. Pfizer claims the device is a “game-changer” for children who struggle with traditional ADHD treatments, citing studies that show fidgeting can help kids with ADHD concentrate better by boosting dopamine levels and regulating arousal in their underactive brains.

“Fidget spinners are so 2017,” Dr. Puffington added, holding up a shiny pink vape pen emblazoned with cartoon characters. “Why squeeze a stress ball when you can inhale your medication in a cloud of strawberry mist? Plus, it’s discreet—kids can take a quick hit under their desk without anyone noticing. We even included a ‘stealth mode’ that muffles the vape’s signature hiss so it doesn’t disrupt circle time.”

The product has already sparked controversy among parents and educators. “I’m all for helping kids with ADHD, but this feels like a step too far,” said Karen McScreech, a third-grade teacher who claims she’s already confiscated 17 vapes this semester. “Last week, I caught Timmy trading his mango-flavored Adderall-In-A-Vape for a pack of Skittles in the cafeteria. Now half the class is blowing vapor clouds during the Pledge of Allegiance.”

Others see the product as a natural evolution of ADHD treatment. “Kids with ADHD often self-regulate by fidgeting, and vaping is just an extension of that,” said Dr. Skippy McFidget, a self-proclaimed “ADHD expert” who may or may not have a medical degree. “The sensory stimulation of vaping, combined with the dopamine boost from Adderall, is like giving their brains a double espresso shot—except it tastes like blue raspberry. It’s science!”

Pfizer’s marketing campaign for the Adderall-In-A-Vape leans heavily into the product’s appeal to kids, with slogans like “Focus Hard, Vape Harder!” and a jingle that’s already gone viral on TikTok: “Can’t sit still? Don’t wanna chill? Take a puff, get your thrill—Adderall-In-A-Vape, for goodness’ sake!” The company has also partnered with popular influencers to promote the device, including a 12-year-old YouTuber known as “VapeKing420” who boasts 3 million subscribers and a signature trick called the “Hyperfocus Dragon Cloud.”

Critics, however, are sounding the alarm. The FDA, which has been cracking down on flavored vapes due to their popularity among teens, issued a statement saying, “We’re pretty sure this is a terrible idea, but we’re still trying to find the regulation that bans stuffing prescription drugs into a vape pen shaped like a Minion.” Meanwhile, anti-vaping advocates argue that the product could lead to a new generation of nicotine-addicted kindergartners, especially since the device’s “cotton candy” flavor is suspiciously close to the nicotine vapes banned in 2024.

Pfizer has dismissed these concerns, pointing to their long history of innovation in ADHD treatment, including the acquisition of NextWave Pharmaceuticals in 2012, which gave them access to Quillivant XR, the first once-daily liquid ADHD treatment. “We’ve always been committed to helping kids with ADHD,” Dr. Puffington insisted, dodging a question about a 2023 lawsuit accusing Pfizer of quality-control lapses in another children’s ADHD drug. “The Adderall-In-A-Vape is just the next logical step. If kids can handle dissolvable amphetamine tablets that taste like candy, they can handle a vape that tastes like a carnival.”

“I used to get in trouble for kicking my desk, but now I just puff on my Adderall-In-A-Vape, and I can actually listen to Mrs. Jenkins talk about fractions without zoning out,” said 9-year-old Timmy Thompson, who proudly showed off his limited-edition Glitter Grape vape pen. “Plus, I’m the coolest kid in class now—everyone wants to trade me their Pokémon cards for a hit.”

Pfizer plans to roll out the Adderall-In-A-Vape nationwide just in time for the back-to-school season, with a special promotion offering a free “Fidget Spinner Attachment” for the first 10,000 customers. When asked if they were concerned about potential misuse, Dr. Puffington shrugged and said, “Look, if kids can survive eating Tide Pods, they’ll be fine with this. Let’s not overreact.”